Things in common are not values
Two people both like hiking, Italian food and the same series. That is a nice start for a conversation, but it says little about whether they could share a life. Hobbies and tastes change, and you can share them or keep them separate. Values are something else.
A value shows itself where a decision costs something. Putting time with family ahead of a promotion, preferring to save rather than travel, wanting to talk a fight through straight away or needing distance first: these are the things a shared everyday life either rubs against or rests on. They rarely appear in a profile and almost never come up over the first coffee.
So compatibility does not mean having as much as possible in common. It means that the things that really matter to both of you point in a similar direction, or at least get along. The rest can be different, and often makes a relationship livelier.
Know your own values
Before you look for values in other people, it is worth looking at your own. That sounds easier than it is, because most people answer ‘What matters to you?’ with the same words: family, honesty, loyalty. It is more useful to look at what you do than at what you say.
Three questions help. What do you spend time and money on, even when both are tight? What last made you genuinely angry, and which line was crossed? And which decision from the last few years would you make again in exactly the same way, even though it cost you something? The answers show what actually means something to you.
Sort the results into three groups. What is non-negotiable for you? What would be nice but is not a must? And what do you not really care about, even though you used to think it mattered? The first group should be short. If twenty things are non-negotiable, you are not looking for a partner, you are looking for a mirror.
The areas where it counts
Some topics come up in almost every relationship sooner or later, and it helps to know them. They include children, how you handle money, the role of faith and tradition, closeness to your own family, and where and how you want to live. Then there is how much space work is allowed to take and how much time you need on your own.
Not every one of these areas matters equally to everyone. For one person faith is the foundation, for another a private matter. Some take it for granted that they will live near their parents, others move to a new city every few years. What counts is which areas belong in your first group.
One area is often underestimated: how you deal with conflict. Two people can agree on every big question and still fail, because one wants to sort things out immediately and the other withdraws. If you know this early, you can talk about it before it becomes a pattern.
Values show in decisions, not words
Almost everyone says family is important to them. What that means only shows in the details. Does someone call their parents every week or once a month? Do they spend the holidays with them as a matter of course, or have they found their own way? The same word can describe very different lives.
So do not ask about values, ask about decisions. ‘What was the hardest decision you have made in the last few years?’ reveals more than ‘What matters to you in life?’. The answer shows what someone was willing to give up, and for what. And it usually leads to a real conversation.
Pay attention to what people mention in passing, too. How does this person talk about their job, about money, about friends who do things differently? A casual remark about a colleague taking parental leave sometimes says more than any answer to a direct question.
Questions that bring values to light
Good questions about values are concrete and leave room for a story. On money, for example: ‘What are you saving for at the moment, or do you not save at all?’ On time: ‘If you had a month off, what would you do?’ On background: ‘What did you take with you from home, and what do you deliberately do differently?’
For conflict, a question about the past that is not about the last relationship works well. ‘How did people argue in your home growing up?’ is a question many answer surprisingly openly. It shows which pattern someone knows, and often whether they want to keep it or leave it behind.
Do not ask all of these on one evening. They belong to the time after the first few dates, when you already know each other a little. One per date is enough, and it is best to answer them yourself as well. That way it becomes an exchange, not a questionnaire.
Different is not the same as incompatible
Not every difference is a problem. An early riser and a night owl can live happily together, and a saver and a spender can be good for each other. Differences in temperament and habits can be negotiated as long as both people are willing.
It gets difficult with differences in direction. If one wants children and the other does not, there is no compromise in the middle. If one is set on staying in their home town and the other is set on leaving, someone has to give up something that matters to them. Differences like these do not disappear over time, they only get more expensive.
A simple test helps you sort them. Can I live with the other person’s version without giving up myself? If the answer is yes for both of you, the difference is negotiable. If one of you says no, it is more honest to say so early.
What only time shows
You cannot test values in three dates. A lot only shows when something goes wrong: when a plan falls through, when one of you is ill, when everyday life gets stressful. How someone reacts then says more about their values than any conversation in good times.
In the first few months, watch for consistency. Does what someone says about themselves match what they do? Someone who talks about reliability and keeps cancelling plans at short notice is showing a contradiction worth raising. A single slip is not a verdict, a pattern is.
And look at yourself, too. Do you notice that you say things that matter to you more quietly in this relationship, or leave them out? That can be a sign that you are further apart in some area than you want to admit. Compatibility also means being able to stay yourself in the relationship.
What apps can and cannot do
Many apps let you state your religion, whether you want children or what you are looking for, and filter by it. That helps rule out major incompatibilities early. But a filter captures labels, not values. Two people who tick the same ‘religious’ box can live their faith in completely different ways.
You learn more where people write how they think. Profile text and answers to prompts, like those on Hinge, show an attitude rather than a category. embla, an Albanian dating app that has not launched on the App Store yet, asks a daily question, and those who answer see the others’ answers. That way you first meet a person through what they think about a question.
In the end, no app replaces the conversation. It can make sure you meet people worth having that conversation with. Whether your values fit is something you only find out by taking time, asking honestly and paying close attention.