Know what you are filtering for first
Before you touch any settings, write down three lists. The first holds what is non-negotiable, such as wanting a committed relationship, wanting children or wanting a partner who shares your faith. The second holds what matters to you but is negotiable. The third holds what you do not really care about, even if you have been ruling people out over it.
The first list should be short, three to five points. Anything beyond that is usually a wish disguised as a condition. How to work out which values really carry weight is covered in our guide to values and compatibility.
The third list is often the most surprising. Many people realise while writing it that they have been sorting people out for years over things that mean nothing to them, like a particular taste in music or a star sign. Whatever ends up there, you can ignore from today.
Your profile is your first filter
The most effective filtering does not start with looking at other profiles but with your own. If you state clearly that you want a relationship, what matters to you and what your life looks like, you put off exactly the people you would not want to meet anyway.
Clarity costs matches, but only the wrong ones. An honest profile with real text attracts people who read, think and reply. That is your audience.
How to put your intent into one calm sentence without scaring people off is covered in our guide to profile text. For filtering, one thing counts above all: whatever is on your first list belongs in your profile in some form.
Setting the app’s search filters sensibly
Age and distance are the filters almost every app offers for free, and many people set them too tight. A radius that only covers your own neighbourhood shuts out people you could easily meet at the weekend. Ask yourself instead how far you would travel for a date on an ordinary evening, and set exactly that.
Finer filters such as religion, wanting children or intent often cost extra, and they only see what other people have filled in. Anyone who leaves a field empty falls through every filter, even if they would be a perfect fit. On embla, distance, age and language are always free, while the finer search by origin, intent, religion, wanting children and minimum height is part of embla+.
A rule of thumb: filter by the points on your first list and settle everything else in conversation. What filters can and cannot do when it comes to wanting children is covered in our guide to dating when you want children.
Reading signals in other profiles
Pay less attention to individual photos and more to the overall picture: is there text with substance? Are values, daily life or plans mentioned? A profile consisting only of photos and an emoji says something too, namely how much effort someone wanted to invest.
Watch out for contradictions: someone who writes ‘looking for something serious’ but avoids every concrete detail about their life and goals is usually keeping all doors open. Seriousness shows in details, not in phrases. The good signs are collected in our guide to green flags, the warning signs in the one on red flags.
The first message as a test of intent
A message that refers to something specific in a profile is the simplest seriousness test, in both directions. Ask about substance and you get substantive answers, or none at all, and that too is valuable information.
Some apps build this principle in directly: embla has the reply spark, a text on the other person’s sentence that lands straight in their chat. Contact there starts with content rather than a silent like from the outset. You can only use it once the app launches in the App Store, though.
Pay attention to the reply, not just its length. A short answer with a question back shows more interest than a long paragraph that is only about the other person. Someone who has never asked anything back after three or four messages may be looking for validation rather than contact.
When the filter gets too strict
Filtering can tip over. If after two weeks you see almost nobody who meets your criteria, it is rarely down to everyone else. Usually a wish has slipped onto the list of conditions: a minimum height, a particular job, an age that fits your ideal picture exactly.
A second sign is ruling people out for small things that would hardly register in real life: an unflattering photo, a typo, a hobby that bores you. Filtering like that protects you less from the wrong people than from the effort of getting to know someone.
The counter-check is simple: would you have found the people who truly came to matter in your life with these filters? If not, loosen the second list and leave the first one as it is.
Take stock after a few weeks
A filter is an assumption, and assumptions can be tested. After three or four weeks, look back: who did you have conversations with that felt good, and what did those people have in common? It is often something other than you expected, such as the way they write rather than their job.
The conversations that fizzled out are just as revealing. If they failed at the same point, for instance the question of what someone is looking for, that point belongs earlier in the conversation or in your profile. If they failed in all sorts of ways, it is more likely chance than your filter.
Then change one thing, not everything at once. That way, after the next few weeks, you know what the change achieved. A note on your phone with the date and the change is all you need.
Fewer contacts, more substance
Dating with intent ultimately means fewer parallel chats, but real ones. Three conversations with substance lead further than fifteen that fizzle out after two messages.
Filtering like this means saying goodbye to the lottery. Your love life is no longer decided by the app but by your own criteria.
In practice: before you start a new conversation, ask yourself whether you are doing justice to the ones you already have. If not, end one honestly before you begin another. That leaves room for the people who made it through your filter.